cosine replies: A well of feelings"

When I first read this post, I nearly cried. Nearly, only because I was at work and did not want to explain to co-workers why I was crying and why it was over some post on some “random maths site”. The sentiments that were shared in the latest post were so heartfelt, and so tangible. I felt I was almost there. I wanted to be there…

I guess this blog is a good indicator of how our feelings develop over time. Not only tracking our history but our emotions at particular points in time. Would we have been at a different level of emotional attachment had sine not gone to Singapore? Would it be less or more? I don’t know. But seeing that sine has started to be so open with his feelings and that he is willing to share more of himself to me makes my heart glad.

I guess it’s taken awhile to get to this point. At first, I didn’t know if I could get him to open up, and be less “stoic” around me. Time and affection wore him down I think, to a point where we can now equally state our feelings without feeling embarrassed or fear of judgement. We can openly tell each other that we miss the other, and to what extent and so forth.

To be honest, pre-sine, I think I would have made gagging noises if I had heard anyone else say it. But now, that it’s true. I love it when these feelings are shared. It helps to soothe the aches of being in a long distance relationship. To have your feelings for one another affirmed and re-committed is something necessary in these cases. I guess it’s also a way we can re-connect with each other as even the power of words can travel through cyber space.

I guess we’ve learned not to take each other for granted anymore. To take notice and enjoy the little things and experiences we have with one another. So just chilling out and relaxing with one another is not boring, but an event. To be savoured and locked away in memory for a cold rainy day. I guess we’ve realised how important we are to each other and how this relationship shapes our daily moods and even our very being.

I can see a long future with sine. And I know I have said this also. So when I read the description of how it might be like, it really was so tangible. To be able to share all of life’s little pleasures with sine would be splendid. I know that it’s not an easy road to tread, it’s a change in lifestyle, and it’s a change in life actually. But I can’t think of anyone else I would want to start this journey with.

I wonder if we can take each others idiosyncrasies, bad habits, strange rituals, annoying antics. Would we be able to handle it? I don’t know. But you know what; I’d really like to find out. I’d like to find out if sine can take the fact that

• I hog the bed and am a bit of a restless sleeper
• I have a penchant for messy bathrooms and kitchens
• I can’t stand toilet seats up
• I can’t stand dishes left over night
• I can’t stand spending money on un-necessarily expensive things.

But I think I would compromise everything if I got a chance to come home to him and share my day’s journey and listen to his. Share a nice meal with a side of laughter, wind down from the hectic work day by snuggling up against one another. Watching a movie, reading to each other or just gazing into each others eyes and talking the night away. It would be nice. More than nice.

I guess I can safely say, that now that he’s so far away I can appreciate what being in a committed relationship is. It does take hard work, perseverance and faith in one another. But at the end of the day, being with him makes me happy. And its important to hang on to the things that make you happy. So I’m hanging on for dear life.

cosine replies: "Am I that bad"

Firstly, can I say that there was no context given to the readers about why i said that you were a bad boyfriend. I guess I was most upset because it seems that I was trying really hard to try make it work, talk to you, catch up and do what normal boyfriend/girlfriends do. And all you could do is sleep on me. Sure, I understand...you're tired, tough day at work, stressed. But what about my needs? Do i sound selfish? perhaps? But I guess because sine has made the choice to move there for 6 months, his actions have consequences. I am dealing as best as i can with his choices, and him falling asleep on me does not help matter.

It's not that you don't care, but perhaps you don't care enough OR i care too much. Perhaps I should just let it drop and be grateful for the minutes you can spare me. but in my head, that is just not good enough. relationships need work, just not good intentions. as sayings go "hell is paved with good intentions". If saving the best for last is your strategy, what if the best does not want to wait? what if i would rather enjoying the best first so i get the most enjoyment at the beginning? what if i like short term gain over long term gain? what if ? i am a person who can't see the ultimate goal so clearly. i have problems setting long term goals, i need to set medium to short term goals for myself as to psyche myself to get there. i don't work on the "light at the end of the tunnel" philosophy. i want things now and now.

I say this now, that i don't care if this makes us stronger. all i want is to have a normal relationship with a boyfriend that is in the same country, in the same proximity. i dont' want to be tested. i dont' want to be more resilient. i am comfortable with being weak, needy and demanding. so maybe it is i who is the bad girlfriend. who can't see past their own needs to recognise the others. but maybe, its just because i am selfish. i want what i can't have.

i want pie. and i want to eat it now.

=cos=

cosine says: home or away?

I've just noticed, the term "travel bug" and its counter part "home sick" have a medical theme running through the analogy. It suggests that it's something that you have caught, unintentionally- something that just happens to you. And it also suggests that it makes you feel like you're not yourself and that you're craving to get it out of your system.

I think me and the traveling bug have come and gone; I got my boosters and got cured (i.e. went around Europe, Asia and some parts of America). But being home sick, it happens all the time for me. I have come to realize that I am a homebody. I love being at home, surrounded by a beautiful city, full of special friends and family. I guess I hate being alone. I can't stand it. I thought I had grown as a person when I watched my first movie alone for goodness sakes. (and mind you that was this year- Batman Begins – great movie btw!)

But I guess that's different again when you are the one left behind. I guess being the one left behind in the LD has its good and bad points.
Good points being:

• Friends and Family catch ups
• Having that support network
• Having an established routine

Bad points being:

• no longer being able to share the same experiences
• nothing new and exciting to explore (like partner who is experiencing a whole new culture, country and food)

I guess the point being, being the one at home is bad, but not as bad as I expected. Especially when I read what sine is going through, it makes me appreciate routine and a support network. But saying that, the crux of it is….LD's are hard on both parties. Couples don't like them because they test the relationship, to see how resilient it is. We can't rely on thoughts like "I'll see them later, and we'll talk then" or having a default plan for the weekend. (I love default plans btw). You can't see them, you don't have access to them whenever you want, you can't share experiences with them. And that's the pickle. And that's what I miss. Companionship.

I think I could be coming down with something…

cosine says: absence makes the heart grow fonder. true or false?

Hi all,

As you may have read, I'm currently in a LD (long distance) relationship with sine. We've endured a lot of travelling, and we thought that we would present our views on certain topics. I feel that I am now a seasoned pro at doing the LD thang, and yes, no one can deny that there are many drawbacks. Especially being the one left behind...but i've often contemplated the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" - does that relate to me given my circumstances?

What are my circumstances you might ask?

Young, vivacious woman at the prime of her dating life, in a serious relationship with a counterpart that seems to be constantly on the go. I guess part of the reason why i like him is because he is so ambitious, capable and in demand. But how does that affect me?

I find that its always harder being the one left behind, and I guess being less busy than sine doesn't help either. This is really made evident when i catch myself on long trips back home on the train - alone, staring at photos on my phone on slideshow of sine. (sad i realise).

Not to say i don't have friends, but i guess when you're in a relatively new relationship you abandon ship on your friends and jump on the "love boat" (to carry the analogy even further)... end point, i am lonely. this is so emphasised by my "jam packed" weekends which have recently looked rather bleak. Staying in bed, hooked up to a wireless broadband connection screaming "are you there??" to sine over msn audio...hmm, i'll let you be the judge of how bleak that is.

Absence does do something to the heart I believe, not sure if i agree with making it fonder. To be honest, I have a great time with sine when he's at home, and when he's away I am sadder as a result. That is just me feeling sadder, and doesn't really relate to my feelings towards sine. I tend to remember good memories that I go "ohhh and ahhh" over, but i wouldn't say it makes me think fonder of him. Especially since he's gotten use to burping so loudly over msn audio, that it startles me out of sleep. (please stop doing that dear).

Perhaps absence makes the one left behind more sad than the one abroad, mainly because you feel like a loser being the one waning and pining for the other to return from their glamourous time away. perhaps a question for sine...

= cos =